We are baaaaaack! We are baaaaaack! We are getting Doug baaaaaaaack!
Hello, fellow Pocket Monster enthusiasts. What once started as PokéMonday devolved into the much less snappy PokéTuesday, and now has unintentionally shifted into PokéMonth somehow. That’s right, it has been an entire month without a Top 5 Pokémon article, and I’m ever so sorry for my absence.
What caused such scarcity, you ask? Either crushing commitments from university and work life, or a wave of apathy sweeping the nation, or perhaps I am in fact a Snorlax and some smarmy kid captured me, whisking me away to a sinister life of slavery and combat. Take your pick, each is just as likely as the other.
But I have returned, and have awoken from my slumber long enough to seek out 900 pounds of food. While I’m up, I thought I may as well share with you my list of my top 5 Pokémon from the exotic land of Kalos. There’s a certain third dimension to this brave new frontier, where the national language is Kalotian (I assume) and the hot topic on everyone’s lips is fashion, baby.
Are you fashionable? If you aren’t, you won’t be very popular. But that’s okay, because liking these five delectable divas will make you simply ooze coolness. Keep in mind, this is not legally binding, simply my ribald opinion. Read at your own risk, for I reek of my own risqué. (wordplay +100)
Oh you hot mess, you. Aromatisse is a simply fabulous disaster that is equal parts repugnant and enticing. Looking like a cross between a failed Muppet and a burlesque dancer far past their prime, Aromatisse is up for absolutely anything. Seriously, it’s not afraid of going back to jail.
It’s slow as the dickens, with a 29 base stat in speed that allows it to be outpaced by Metapod of all things, but I like to think that this is due to it being in a constant state of inebriation. It evolves from Spritzee when gifted a Sachet (in the Pokémon world, this equates to a marriage proposal), and as one of the dreaded new Fairy-types, it is well-equipped to slay dragons, punish fighters and even vanquish creatures of the night. Plus, it shrugs off hits from the Bug-type, but everyone and their Nanna is capable of that, so it’s not really worth bragging about.
Truth be told, I’ve never even bothered getting an Aromatisse, let alone using one competitively, but I sure like its grim visage a whole lot. Perhaps once I’ve actually tried employing one competitively, it’ll climb up the ranks? Stay tuned, you disgusting clump of hair and martini…
What’s cuter than a wicked little pumpkin ghost? What’s that, a haunted tree stump, you say? Psshaww, we’ve got no time for that – we’ve got a Pumpka to Boo!
Pumpkaboo’s major claim to fame is the fact that it comes in four different sizes: the small size is faster and frailer, while the jumbo size is sturdier and much better suited for jack’o lantern carving. Trading the ghoulish gaffer to a willing friend yields Gourgeist. It’s much the same, just with a snazzy new hairdo. Me personally, I prefer the pre-evolution – its furry little face just makes me happy. I don’t care that it probably wants to devour my soul – as we all know, Shedinja and/or Chandelure already gobbled that up years ago.
Its techniques tell an interesting story about the kind of things Pumpkaboo is into. Its standard abilities, Pickup and Frisk, allow it to either collect knick-knacks off the floor (like latex condos!) or cop a feel of an enemy, advising you whether it’s carrying a troublesome item or a gun. Meanwhile, the hidden ability of Insomnia prevents it from going to sleep. Ever.
It will not rest. It simply roams the streets at night, searching for trouble. Whether this means an eerie encounter with a spook, or just some little Punk-aboo tipping over trash cans is up for debate.
Hola, mi amigos y amigas! Un cafe, por favor. Mucho agua y porquito leche. …Con permisso, nos trae la cuenta!
I love Mexico. As you can tell, my Spanish is fairly dreadful, but with Hawlucha at my side, I need not fear judgement… because I have a luchador birdie who can handily translate my requests, make a mean plate of pico de gallo and, most of all, leap into the air to land upon foes with a mighty crash. That is to say, it gets us kicked out of a lot of restaurants. But I still love it anyway.
Hawlucha is the only Fighting/Flying Pokémon in existence, which gives it a unique niche in the metagame. It is fairly swift, with a base speed stat of 118, but this number doubles – doubles, I say! – after it uses an item, thanks to its ability, Unburden. Combined with Acrobatics, a Flying-type move that doubles in power when the user is unencumbered by said item, it’s easy to conclude that Hawlucha is at its best when it’s not carrying around a berry of some sort. Seriously, Hawlucha, get a lunchbox – it’ll make things much easier.
Of special note is its shiny variant, featuring an intimidating shade of black and purple. Assuming this is in reference to typical tropes of lucha libre, the shiny Hawlucha is in fact the villain, who will use dastardly underhanded tactics in order to claim victory. But the good guy always comes out on top in the end, because he has the support of the people! …How else would we have ended up with over fifty Santo movies, eh?
It’s a common fact that almost every 90s kid had a fascination with dinosaurs, owing in no small part to Jurassic Park hitting theatres with the full force of Dennis Nedry crashing his jeep into a tree. Weird analogy.
Anyway, I knew that I had to add this wicked-looking behemoth to my roster the moment I laid eyes on it, with its Rock/Dragon-typing and bruising physical prowess. Needless to say, its special stats are truly not special whatsoever, so when threatened by its weaknesses (like cute fairies and cold breezes), it quickly goes extinct. Your best bet is to lay into enemies with an all-out offensive before that happens, and this is assisted by the marvellous hidden ability, Rock Head. This negates recoil damage, which means the fearsome Head Smash technique (a Rock-type blow with 150 base power that returns half the damage it deals to its user) has no drawback, other than spotty accuracy – 80% on a good day, depending on if the RNG gods love you or not.
If you’re an idiot (read: if you’re me), you can try to be cute by giving it Stealth Rock and Roar and creating a bizarre, ill-suited shuffler role for it. Combined with a bemused Protean Greninja setting up Spikes and Toxic Spikes who absolutely does not want to be doing such things, it makes for a fun and interesting battle as you watch all of your efforts fail and you get swept by yet another Xerneas.
Meowstic? More like meowfantastic!! …Actually, scratch that. Meowstic sounds better.
The eventual result of the dead-eyed Espurr, Meowstic comes in two different varieties. Male Meowstic (the blue one on the left. Isn’t he cute? I’ll name him Viking and I’ll knit him a sweater) is primarily a support Pokémon, operating well as a dual-screener to set up teammates. Female Meowstic (the white one on the right. Isn’t she cute? I’ll name her Ursula and I’ll take the sweater from Viking because I like her a little bit more) is more offensive, possessing a wide range of punishing techniques like Future Sight, where she predicts a psychic blast that will strike enemies after a few turns, or Signal Beam, where she summons the power of… beetles, I guess.
Overall, Meowstic are not really a tour de force on the battlefield, possessing passable speed and ho-hum statistics everywhere else, but the fact that they are psychic kitties far outweigh their shortcomings. It won’t necessarily lead you to the championship or anything, but there’s clearly something to be said for the value of a psychic kitty. For one thing, they can push whatever they want off of the table with only the power of their mind… So I hope you don’t mind cleaning up after them.
Sacré bleu, therein lies another batch of friends listed and enlisted for your edification. By my calculations, next week (month?) brings us to generation 7, and sadly, all up to date. Hopefully Nintendo decides to randomly unveil the next batch sometime soon, lest I have to make up my own dreadful Pokémon concepts (I’ve got a dolphin, a housefly, and something that looks like Donald Trump).
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